Bikinis. Whichever way you look at them, they're a fantastic invention. Visit any beach in Brazil and you'll see one. All those images in your mind of tanned, toned bodies frolicking in the waves, each contour and curve glistening under the hot tropical sun, turn to reality before your unbelieving eyes.

And then there are 'sungas'.

Despite what you may have seen or heard, many people in Brazil are quite conservative in their views. This idea of the bare-breasted woman shaking her lovelies is really only reserved for a small minority, and generally at certain times of the year. Sorry to disappoint…

But the beach is the exception to the rule. From age 7 to 70, most Brazilian women are in possession of at least one, probably two or even 5 different bikinis. They are as essential to the wardrobe as a pair of jeans or a comfy pair of shoes.

And then there is the 'sunga'.

I don’t know what we call this in English, but imagine a cross between the 70s-90s Speedos worn by top swimmers and Calvin Klein underwear and you’re pretty close. All lines are horizontal, no imagination is required. This is the standard beach attire of the Brazilian man, as common on a beach as a bikini. Yay.

Now I’m not trying to judge anyone. ‘Each to their own’ is a creed I adhere to. I’m merely making an observation from an outsider’s point of view. Growing up in NZ in the 1980s-1990s, I remember the fluorescent wave, the grunge wave and the ‘I don’t really care’ fashion waves that passed through my country. And in all of these fads, one thing stood out: Never show your upper thighs!

To this day I’m in possession of the whitest upper thighs you’ll ever see, not counting most of my friends. This will not change for two reasons. Firstly, this part of my body will never see the sun, and secondly, my thighs are so devoid of melanin that it would take a full year of being stranded on an island wearing nothing but a sunga before they would start to produce a tan colour. Both my genes and my culture are to blame.

Anyway, as your imaginary vision of a Brazilian beach continues – all those brown women in their bikinis frolicking in the sand while those hunky Latinos play beach soccer in their skimpy bathing suits, scoring goals and hugging and pumping their fists in ecstasy – maybe just ponder for a minute that while this is going on, everyone else is wearing bikinis and sungas.

Now imagine everyone you know wearing tight-fitting, tiny clothes. And I mean everyone – not just the ones you want to see wearing them.

Do you see what I’m getting at?

I applaud Brazilians for their lack of shame, which I’ll never have. My wife demands that the curtains are drawn lest someone see her in her underwear, yet on the beach in an even-more-revealing bikini she has no qualms about going for a walk or playing beach tennis or volleyball. But on the other hand, Brazil is home to many people, not only women, who will sacrifice their meagre income for cosmetic surgery or develop an eating disorder to the point where they are nothing more than tanned skin stretched over a skeleton. Much emphasis is placed on appearance, and this filters down from the TV soaps to the kids at school, so much so that it’s in the minds of everyone as they dress for the beach, shop for new clothes or go out to a mall or restaurant. Even I need to check that my outfit works before I pop down to the supermarket.

So next time you’re going to a beach in Brazil, be prepared for a visual buffet of sweet delicacies and indigestible off-cuts. Try not to look too hard, you might not get what you wished for.

Photos (courtesy of Santino Cavalcanti):
Top: A couple playing beach tennis in typical Brazilian beach attire - Serrambi, PE. (Spot the tourist)

Bottom: Sungas - all lines are horizontal, no imagination required.